While my career never advanced beyond the bush leagues of professional journalism and I have yet to earn a master’s degree or even master a foreign language, there are a number of other life experiences I take pride in having passed on over the years.
In no particular order, here are a few:
Y2K panic-buying
The Doomsday Prepper movement got a giant boost as the year 1999 was about to transition to 2000, when it was widely speculated that computer operating systems around the world would crash because they were not programmed to recognize the arrival of a new millennium. Many believed the global glitch would cause modern civilization to grind to an extended halt while an international army of computer nerds worked out a re-boot.
While many of my friends and neighbors invested in generators, drums of drinking water and stockpiles of MREs, toilet paper, dog food and ammo, I managed to resist the panic buying, thanks in part to a lack of cash or credit at the time.
Body piercing
The idea of paying someone to bore nonessential holes through perfectly good stretches of cartilage was not hard to resist, especially after experiencing a multiple piercing sneak preview at age 12, when a panicked horse dumped me on a barbed wire fence.
Buying pre-ripped jeans
My very limited sense of fashion dictates that it is perfectly OK to wear jeans that are worn and faded or even slightly ripped at the knees, if the wear was the result of bucking hay bales, hauling firewood or other genuine work or outdoor recreation activity. Buying artfully torn jeans is for posers.
Wearing Crocs
George W. Bush wore these clunky, plastic mesh clog shoes with black socks while golfing or clearing brush, destroying what little desire to own this fad footwear I ever may have had. Mission accomplished, sir!
Buying shirts with big designer logos
I could never see the point in wearing shirts that provide free advertising to a designer without the wearer being compensated for the service. Since I think it fine to wear shirts that promote sports teams or schools, I gave Hollister an exemption for several years due to a mistaken personal perception that it was a private college in Virginia.
Glamping
Getting close to nature while enjoying the comfort of beds, carpets, appliances and furniture — there’s a place for that. It’s called a motel near a national forest. It’s great, but it’s not camping.
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