Dear Abby: My husband and I finally got custody of his daughter, “Amelia,†15 days before her 16th birthday. She came to us with home-schooling and little socialization. Now she’s 18, and we’ve gotten her on track to graduate, but she has completely changed. She plans to move in with her boyfriend and is skipping school.
My husband feels we can’t get on her case about it, since we’ve had her for only two years. We’ve had three boys who have graduated, and two girls who haven’t yet. We made the boys (his stepsons) go to school every day and live at home until they graduated. We will do the same with our younger girls.
Abby, why is he scared for me to tell Amelia that she can’t move out until after graduation, especially not with her boyfriend, or get on her about missing school all the time? — Stern Stepmom in Kansas
Dear Stepmom: Your husband may fear that Amelia is too headstrong to be reasoned with and worry that if he asserts himself, his daughter will become estranged.
You described yourself as “Stern Stepmom.†If the way you demonstrate that is by insisting your husband’s children graduate with a basic education, I don’t consider it heavy-handed. However, if there is more to it, Amelia may be moving out to get away from you.
Perhaps a different approach might be more effective. Amelia is old enough to be talked with “woman to woman.†If you can impress upon her that you and her father care only about her welfare, that the decisions she is making now will affect her entire future, perhaps she will be more open to hearing your message. The fact that she’s moving out is less important than failing to complete her education and get that high school diploma. Let that be your focus when you and her dad speak to her.
Dear Abby: I have a co-worker who loves to bake. She’s actually wonderful at it and brings a baked item for our birthdays. We have a small office of six.
Unfortunately, she has quite a few plug-in air fresheners in her kitchen, so every item she brings in to share is saturated with perfume. No one wants to say anything because she is extremely sensitive and would be crushed. Is there a way to put it gently? — Tasting It in Washington
Dear Tasting: If the oil from her air fresheners is transferring to the treats your co-worker brings, someone needs to discreetly take her aside and speak up. A way to phrase it would be:
“You are always so generous in bringing birthday goodies for everyone, and we really appreciate it. But the last time we tried your fabulous chocolate cake we noticed the scent of Jungle Gardenia [or Alpine Pine, etc.]. Do you think it might have come from your plug-in air freshener? It would be a shame if the fragrances affected the quality of your wonderful baked goods. Unplugging the air freshener during the baking and cooling would probably do the trick.â€
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
